From Toddler Meltdowns to Teenage Drama...

To those of you who aren't already aware... I have 3 kids. 2 daughters ages 3 and 7 years old... they're quite the duo. Complete opposites. And my bonus son, age 19. Each day brings new adventures. From toddler meltdowns to teenage drama, this mama doesn't usually get a break. I am full of anxiety these days it comes on slowly, worried about if I washed and ironed the mister's work clothes for the following day, or do I need to make sure I put laundry in the dryer, are the kids happy. What do they need for the following day. Will we be heading out for a hike or park outing the following, then I should have snacks ready ahead of time. Ending with this heavy dark feeling, now worrying ALL the time just wondering if I am screwing them up for life. If my anxiety gets the best of me some days, and I look back and wish I said this, or wish I had just gone and done whatever it is I skipped out on. What if I don't show my kids I love them enough. I do not by no means have a favorite. Needing to make sure that they're fed, clothed, clean, and happy is some days joyful and I am grateful every day I am able to have the opportunity to stay at home and watch each of them grow into amazing, bright, intelligent, free thinking, nature loving, honest, hard working, grateful children.

Then other days, I am over the edge annoyed with the eye rolling, sighing, ungrateful, unappreciative, sassy, drama filled moments. These type of days have made me appreciate the hubby's dream of living in a van down by the river. Just the two of us and Odin (Our dog). Obviously waiting for the little ones to get a big older.. as I never have any one to watch them while we disappear for a day or night, or weekend away. I have no idea what that's like. Each of them have been "babysat" maybe twice. I also have huge trust issues. So rather not at the end of the day, hire some kid down the street or hire some chick that may mistreat my kids. If any one is gonna send my kids to therapy about what a "horrible mom/stepmom" I was to them is me... not some crazy nanny. Plus child care is ridiculously over priced.

Mother of the year award goes to.................................................................................... ME! My kids some days I am sure would beg to differ.. although without me not even the teenager could survive... making horrible decisions is part of growing up but lately this kid takes the cake. But you know what.. I honestly can say even when we have a rough day that tomorrow's a new day, and that I can make tomorrow a better day. Getting outside helps a lot... weather it's in the yard, playing in the garden or letting our chickens free range, or a hike through the woods helps all of my kids. But some days they can't seem to get along. Outside is good distraction from even the oldest is being bossed around by the toddler.. that's always interesting. The interaction and relationship each of the kids have with each other is so unique in their own way. I do wish they were a bit closer in age to be a bit closer... but I wouldn't trade my kids for the world.

With that said, Toddlers can be, well lets face it... Assholes. Seven year old's are sassy as can be, and are wanna-be teenagers. And teenagers (or in my case young adult) think they know Everything and if given the opportunity to F%@& Up, and get into deep hot water they will. We all do the best we can at the end of the day. We only want what's best for them, even if we come across as evil and mean and unfair. As parents we may be aware of situations or decisions that our kids may be attempting to make or have made and make it known that we do not approve. But at what age do you just give an ultimatum? Hoping and praying for them to make the appropriate choice. Almost insisting they wake up and realize they need to snap out of their negative funk, but maybe you yourself need to be more aware of how your action, your words affect those around you. Did I instill anxiety onto my children. Did I become to blind to see whatever it is going on that is making them act out. Regardless, I love them each and every day a bit more than before. If that is even at all possible. Maybe one day we'll look back at these moments of the kids growing up and laugh and laugh at what silly things we worried about way back when.

Until that day, I'll remain here. sitting up in bed, insomnia ridden, wishing I had been a better mother today. But again, tomorrow's a new day, a new beginning.